“It is not worthwhile to try to keep history from repeating itself, for man's character will always make the preventing of the repetitions impossible." Mark Twain
This is a two fold issue.
“Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it" said George Santayana. I think this is true on a more personal level. Many people make mistakes in their lives or past relationships. People can make excuses for them or they can learn and try not to repeat it. It might be one of the hardest things in the world to do- to acknowledge where you have failed and genuinely try to never do it again.
My advice for people who have just gotten out of a relationship is to take time to evaluate the things that went wrong. Yes, there will probably be some anger and finger pointing unless you managed the fantastic feat of a mutual friendly split. What becomes vital to being able to move onto something better is to take the time to see if there were things you could have done differently. Even if you were not the one who was cheating, psycho-jealous, hot-tempered, lazy... whatever, you still might have been able to at least make the split better for yourself, or even making the relationship better for yourself. Are you prone to blowing up and not listening? Maybe you, instead, get quiet and push it to the back of your mind until the pressure drives you insane? Perhaps you did not know how to convey what you wanted or did not stand up for yourself when you needed to most?
There could be countless reasons, but the important thing is you realize what you wished you had done differently and work towards not repeating those same mistakes. I have heard the saying that the quickest way to get over an old love is to find a new one. Personally, I have never been a fan of the 'rebound' relationship. I firmly believe that to jump into a new relationship will generally lead to another disappointment and heartbreak. Mostly, that is what all these lessons are for me. I am evaluating myself and what went wrong before so I do not (hopefully) make the same mistakes again, or ever be in that same situation again. Once you are aware of your own past- stay aware. Honesty with others and yourself is sexier and healthier than ignoring and repeating flaws.
Once you have a handle on your own issues (because, let's face it everyone has issues), you can see about issues in your new or current love's past. Again, I am not saying to look for something wrong- just be aware. Did they get cheated on or were they the cheater in their previous relationships? Were they abused or were they the abuser? Known womanizer or party-girl? Pathological liar? There could be many things to look out for; the important thing is to know what would matter to you most. They sometimes say 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. I believe that is probably true in most cases. It is entirely possible that it was a one time thing, or it turned out that they were not in a serious relationship. If you know they cheated, the time frame may be important. If it was very recent odds are they did not evaluate themselves for why they cheated and why they should not cheat again. Entirely possible, too, that it could be a sign they have no real respect for 'committed' relationships- dating, married, or otherwise. Do not be too quick to judge and do not obsess about it, just keep it in mind and see how they treat you.
Being cheated on can also pose a problem in future relationships. Some people will use it as a basis to justify horrible behavior towards the new love interest. I know this for fact because it was the reason my ex justified his restriction of me having jobs (I could come in contact with a man *gasp*), and severely limiting my time with friends and family. I have also witnessed it being used as an excuse to not trust anyone and spy on everything their new love does. Not everyone will do this. You should be able to tell how they have dealt with it fairly early on. Hopefully, they have learned an appreciation for honesty and fidelity from it.
Abused and abuser are pretty big ticket items. "Boys who witness their father's abuse of their mothers are more likely to inflict severe violence when they become adults. Data suggest that girls who witness maternal abuse are more likely to tolerate abuse as adults. Children from abused homes often have relationship and marital problems as adults." (From the booklet “A Way of Hope", which was once available on the web site for Family Life Today) [This is also true that girls who witness it can grow to be abusers themselves] Not every child of an abusive marriage will grow up to be abused or to be an abuser, but it can be more likely. If you know that your significant other came from an abusive family, they will need your support but you should know that it is not an excuse for them to inflict harm upon you. Obviously, not all people will grow up to be that way and certainly some abusers had no family history of it in their childhoods. It is just a sad fact that it can make it more likely. Observation, understanding, and support will be key. If it seems like they are prone to being abusers and they are unwilling to seek or follow through with help, then it is best to leave. This is not strictly physical abuse. I have experienced and witnessed outside my family severe emotional abuse from both males and females.
It may seem like a lost cause if you know that you have bad experiences or committed bad experiences in your past or your lover had them. If people are willing to learn and grow as individuals, then it should not be a problem. Seems easier said than done, but I believe all people have the potential to change things for the better- especially if it means they no longer hurt the ones they love or live with the hurt themselves.
This may take a lot of soul searching and a lot of Ben and Jerry's.
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