Lesson 10: If you manage to leave, you will probably have to live with people believing lies

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself putting it back together." Author unknown.
It is never a good thing to give up easily. Being in a committed relationship means trying to make it work even when it can seem too hard. Some problems that seem to be the end-all can be repaired with a little bit of work. There are some relationships that are free from the typical problems but there is just no real chemistry and no real 'togetherness'. There are relationships that become so broken, so unhealthy, and so unsafe that the only thing left to save is yourself.
You will know when a relationship reaches the point where it cannot be fixed. Many people stay in bad relationships because they are afraid of starting over, afraid of the confrontation, fear of being hurt, or afraid of what others may think.
Knowing that leaving is what is best for you is the first step. Especially if it is good for any children in the relationship. You need to try to put those fears aside and make that leap. If you are afraid for your safety, reach out to family and friends. Having a good support system is essential, even if you are lucky enough to not be escaping an extremely bad situation.
One of the unfortunate side effects of leaving someone who does not want to let you go is having to deal with the misunderstanding of outside parties and even lies told by your former partner. It is definitely not easy to hear bad things being said about you and it can be near impossible to make people understand your situation. Unless it is someone you like or are friends with or still have a connection to- do not worry about it. The truth will come out eventually, and if it does not- at least you were the bigger man or woman.
It did hurt for me to hear the things that were said about me after I filed for divorce. My family, friends, and coworkers had the advantage of witnessing a lot of the reasons why I got out. His side did not see it and they believed the lies he was telling about me (not all of them, thankfully). It hurt at first but I realized that I cannot change what he is saying. I cannot make an announcement to the world This Just In: Real Reasons for Lori's Divorce! What I can do is give the truth if asked and just live my life for my daughter and for myself. Although, I think I'm going to hang onto all my documentation, tapes, and journal entries just in case. I cannot say for sure that karma will catch up with people that hurt you, but it does feel nice to hope for it.
If you manage to get out of your bad situation, the main goal should be to rebuild yourself and be happy again. No one should let the negativity of others affect their decision to make a better life. In the end, you have to live with yourself.

Lesson 9: Talk It Out and Listen!

"Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something." H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It seems like some of the most fundamental and obvious advice for any type of relationship- have open communication and actually listen. As obvious and straightforward as this is, it is incredible how few people actually follow this.
Everyone has their own ideas and feelings. It is not easy to put that aside to listen to another person. To keep a relationship from turning sour, this is exactly what you must do.
Yelling and screaming might give you a temporary release but it does too much damage to be worth anything. This is especially true if you have children who are witnessing these outbursts. This can seem impossible if you are one of those people who instantly react or have a short fuse. It will take practice and self-discipline but it can be done.
Even someone who is passive aggressive can benefit from a little self-discipline. When you become angry, even as those amplified thoughts are going through your head, figure out exactly why you are angry. Take some time to calm down and let the other person calm down as well. After you have reflected, go to the other person and talk it out. Give them time to listen and absorb and then do the same for them.
Many times fights are over the dumbest things. Often over reasons that seem silly in just a day or two. Nothing good can ever be gained by blowing up, calling someone names, or belittling someone's opinions and feelings. It is not effective to a relationship to chase someone down and scream at them. Nothing good will be gained by yelling at someone who has asked you to leave them alone. They will just come to resent you and whatever point you were trying to get across will be lost. Children learn in preschool to listen to others and calmly talk things out. Adults should be able to do this without having to take lessons from Ki-Lan (ok, that was a total mommy reference... it is a show on Nick Jr.).
Open communication is also key even for simple day to day things. A person does not have to be angry to shut another person off. Even when you feel lost or saddened by a partner or situation, you must talk it out and still be willing to listen.
You could be amazed at what open-communication could achieve. Of course, this only works if someone respects you. There is nothing you can do if the person refuses to listen to your side and they are family or coworkers. If this person is someone who claims to love you, try to make them see your perspective. Someone who refuses and keeps refusing to listen or respect you will just indicate that it is time to find another person who will.
"By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach." Winston Churchill.
"Being considerate of others will take your children further in life than any college degree." Marian Wright Edelmann

Lesson 8: Someone Who Loves You Will Help You Succeed, Not Hold You Back.

"Part of the issue of achievement is to be able to set realistic goals, but that's one of the hardest things to do because you don't always know exactly where you're going, and you shouldn't." ~George Lucas
Everyone should have goals in life. Everyone should have that something they want to strive for and achieve. They can be simple, complicated, or a mixture of both. The main thing is that these goals make you happier and make you a better person- even if just in a small way.
If you are with someone you love, you should support them in their quest to achieve their goals. They should also want to help you achieve yours. In the beginning of a relationship, it can be as simple as words of encouragement. Further in, as love grows, one should want to do whatever they are capable of to help them.
This is not just for career, although I am sure people have goals for them. This can be for education, sports, hobbies, collections, travel, experiences, or something just because that only makes sense to them. Someone that loves you should never hold you back from achieving what you desire- especially if that would help make you a better person or something you have always wanted.
It is important to address goals in the beginning to see if there is anything that might conflict with the other person's goals or ideals. For example, having a goal of hunting in Africa might not go over so well if you are trying to date a vegan. One does need to beware of the person who claims to support your goals at first, but later on into the relationship you find them unhelpful or even sabotaging them. chances are they will either never support you or their true feelings for you have changed (or were never genuine). You must address this problem the moment you notice it happening. You do not want to find yourself years beyond being able to reach your goals when they were attainable with support or on your own years before. If you find yourself unable to support your love interest's goals, find out the real reason why and either address it or fix it.
Granted that goals may change as a relationship evolves or interests shift. Suddenly the goal of having a beer in every major pub of Europe might not be so important if you are happily married with kids. The point is if you are with someone you love and they love you in return, they should always support you for individual and common goals. Never should they ever purposely hold you back.
This will only lead to regret later in life. Every goal may not be reached but at least you could say "Hey, I gave it my best and they gave me what help they could." No one should ask for more than that.

Lesson 7: Jealousy is NOT a sign of Love

"Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances can be life-threatening." Maya Angelou
There are few things so damaging as jealousy. A little bit is not always bad, but a little bit to a lot more will spell doom for a relationship. Jealousy is a very real emotion that can strike at any time to anyone. How a person deals with it and how it controls them is what will make or break them.
I had someone tell me once "I love you more because you don't get jealous." They had actually tried to make me jealous and got extremely mad at me when they failed. I had told them from the beginning of a relationship that I was not a jealous person. Even as a child I viewed it as a wasted emotion. It consumes you, angers you, and makes you focus either on what you do not or cannot have, and depresses you.
It is natural to get a little envious of someone or something you like. Instead of letting it consume you, put that energy and desire into achieving what it is you want (unless, of course, it is a person you want that has a significant other already). It makes absolutely no sense to beat yourself up or those around you for the thing you are jealous over.
Usually, when it comes to jealousy the real issue is insecurity. Someone who is not secure with themselves is going to find something to be jealous of anywhere. My ex was so bad with it I had to stop watching CSI because when he asked if any of the men were attractive I honestly answered a simple 'yes'. He could not handle it because "I don't look like any of those guys so you must not find me attractive." It escalated to the point where I really had to stop watching the show and eventually I could not watch any movie or show with any actor deemed 'attractive' to him or what he thought I would find attractive. He also became (but at least he admitted it) jealous when I ended up in the hospital and had to have coworkers and friends help me. We were in a new country and he was deployed. I was trying to care for a two year old and two dogs after recovering from surgery. He honestly would have rather had me suffer than to have people help me and be friends with me. How can something like that be considered 'love'? In most cases, when someone is watching something or sees someone that their partner gets jealous or angry over, the person doing the watching is not even thinking or judging those 'threats' against their partner.
Thankfully, not all people are like that. A lot of times jealousy can be reined in by simply reassuring the person that their fears are unfounded or that 'yes, that person has something you do not, but you know what? That is ok. You have things they do not have.' If you find yourself getting jealous, try and figure out what exactly you are so envious of. Is this something you could possibly attain? Then work towards it. Is this something that you cannot ever have? Quit worrying about it and focus your energy on what you DO have. Also realize that any emotion that you let hurt the ones closest to you is not a sign that you love them. Hurting them with it again and again is a sign you do not care enough to want them to be happy.
Of course, it is never as easy as stating it. It can work. It works for me. Honestly, it does. I have witnessed it ruin other people's lives. I would much rather be happy than let something as foolish as jealousy ruin my life. Do you want to spend your life missing out on what you have because you cannot take your eyes off of what you do not? Alternately, do you want to spend your life with someone who only sees what they do not have and cannot and will not see what is in front of them- you?
"As iron is eaten by rust, so are the envious consumed by envy." ~Antisthenes

Lesson 6: Be Aware of the Past

“It is not worthwhile to try to keep history from repeating itself, for man's character will always make the preventing of the repetitions impossible." Mark Twain

This is a two fold issue.
“Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it" said George Santayana. I think this is true on a more personal level. Many people make mistakes in their lives or past relationships. People can make excuses for them or they can learn and try not to repeat it. It might be one of the hardest things in the world to do- to acknowledge where you have failed and genuinely try to never do it again.
My advice for people who have just gotten out of a relationship is to take time to evaluate the things that went wrong. Yes, there will probably be some anger and finger pointing unless you managed the fantastic feat of a mutual friendly split. What becomes vital to being able to move onto something better is to take the time to see if there were things you could have done differently. Even if you were not the one who was cheating, psycho-jealous, hot-tempered, lazy... whatever, you still might have been able to at least make the split better for yourself, or even making the relationship better for yourself. Are you prone to blowing up and not listening? Maybe you, instead, get quiet and push it to the back of your mind until the pressure drives you insane? Perhaps you did not know how to convey what you wanted or did not stand up for yourself when you needed to most?
There could be countless reasons, but the important thing is you realize what you wished you had done differently and work towards not repeating those same mistakes. I have heard the saying that the quickest way to get over an old love is to find a new one. Personally, I have never been a fan of the 'rebound' relationship. I firmly believe that to jump into a new relationship will generally lead to another disappointment and heartbreak. Mostly, that is what all these lessons are for me. I am evaluating myself and what went wrong before so I do not (hopefully) make the same mistakes again, or ever be in that same situation again. Once you are aware of your own past- stay aware. Honesty with others and yourself is sexier and healthier than ignoring and repeating flaws.
Once you have a handle on your own issues (because, let's face it everyone has issues), you can see about issues in your new or current love's past. Again, I am not saying to look for something wrong- just be aware. Did they get cheated on or were they the cheater in their previous relationships? Were they abused or were they the abuser? Known womanizer or party-girl? Pathological liar? There could be many things to look out for; the important thing is to know what would matter to you most. They sometimes say 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. I believe that is probably true in most cases. It is entirely possible that it was a one time thing, or it turned out that they were not in a serious relationship. If you know they cheated, the time frame may be important. If it was very recent odds are they did not evaluate themselves for why they cheated and why they should not cheat again. Entirely possible, too, that it could be a sign they have no real respect for 'committed' relationships- dating, married, or otherwise. Do not be too quick to judge and do not obsess about it, just keep it in mind and see how they treat you.
Being cheated on can also pose a problem in future relationships. Some people will use it as a basis to justify horrible behavior towards the new love interest. I know this for fact because it was the reason my ex justified his restriction of me having jobs (I could come in contact with a man *gasp*), and severely limiting my time with friends and family. I have also witnessed it being used as an excuse to not trust anyone and spy on everything their new love does. Not everyone will do this. You should be able to tell how they have dealt with it fairly early on. Hopefully, they have learned an appreciation for honesty and fidelity from it.
Abused and abuser are pretty big ticket items. "Boys who witness their father's abuse of their mothers are more likely to inflict severe violence when they become adults. Data suggest that girls who witness maternal abuse are more likely to tolerate abuse as adults. Children from abused homes often have relationship and marital problems as adults." (From the booklet “A Way of Hope", which was once available on the web site for Family Life Today) [This is also true that girls who witness it can grow to be abusers themselves] Not every child of an abusive marriage will grow up to be abused or to be an abuser, but it can be more likely. If you know that your significant other came from an abusive family, they will need your support but you should know that it is not an excuse for them to inflict harm upon you. Obviously, not all people will grow up to be that way and certainly some abusers had no family history of it in their childhoods. It is just a sad fact that it can make it more likely. Observation, understanding, and support will be key. If it seems like they are prone to being abusers and they are unwilling to seek or follow through with help, then it is best to leave. This is not strictly physical abuse. I have experienced and witnessed outside my family severe emotional abuse from both males and females.
It may seem like a lost cause if you know that you have bad experiences or committed bad experiences in your past or your lover had them. If people are willing to learn and grow as individuals, then it should not be a problem. Seems easier said than done, but I believe all people have the potential to change things for the better- especially if it means they no longer hurt the ones they love or live with the hurt themselves.
This may take a lot of soul searching and a lot of Ben and Jerry's.

Lesson 5: Do Not Waste Precious Time and Energy on Someone Who Does Not Deserve It

"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Often, if you ask anyone what they need more of in life they will say time. Even for all the so-called conveniences and supposed time savers we have available, there never seems to be enough of it. Unfortunately, as human beings we have a limited supply of energy. Well, except for children, who seem to have a limitless supply. :)
Part of loving or liking someone is to want to take the time to take care of them. Usually you can gain peace and happiness by making the other person happy. That is an essential part of any healthy relationship. However, if you are the one pouring all your time and energy into caring for the other person and getting nothing in return, you are only hurting yourself. I do not mean a monetary return or even to get back equally as much as you give. The reward can be as simple as being recognized, loved, appreciated, and/or respected. There will be situations where the other person could never technically repay you, but if they are a good person then they still deserve it.
There will be times in life where you have the misfortune of not being appreciated or respected by the person you are spending so much time on (and if you are one of those people who haven't had this ever happen, Please, please tell me your secret!!!). I had a person in my life that I loved and thought they loved me in return. To me, when I am in love, I do everything I can for them. At first, the person seemed to appreciate it. I was not getting the same back but I was ok with it as long as they loved me.
I (in all honesty and non-exaggeration) was giving them a massage (or multiple ones) everyday, pedicures, manicures, facials, plucking their eyebrows a couple of times a week, cooking, cleaning, laundry, staying up all night to help them on their work projects, and even getting up every morning to iron their uniform early within a week after giving birth (and this was in addition to the typical other romantic gifts, notes, or cards). No, I am not crazy, and I honestly would not have minded if they even appreciated it a little bit. Sadly, for me, all I got was episodes of collapsing from exhaustion and being yelled at when I was too tired or sick to do more.
Looking back, that energy could have been put into better uses like experiences with my daughter, my education, friends, or even world peace. A person who truly loves you will appreciate everything you do. They will not take you for granted. They will give you back everything and more with just a glance, a hug, or a memory. You will know that person deserves it when you feel fulfilled by doing the things you do. You will know it when someone tells them they are lucky to have you and you feel like the lucky one. You never want to be the person who hears "Why do you do all that? They treat you like shit."
Kindness is what makes the world a better place. I am by no means suggesting you treat anyone badly that has treated you badly. I am merely telling you to still be kind but not to waste yourself on someone who is treating you badly. Yes, too often, the nice person will get stepped upon, but eventually the nice person will find someone worthy of them... at least I really, really, really hope so.
Time and energy are so precious. Make sure you give yours to people who make you happy. The right person will treat you better than you think you deserve and better than they treat themselves.

Lesson 4: Maintain Your Separate Identity

"Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade." ~Leo Buscaglia
It seems so natural and easy to want to do everything with a new love or even an old one. Sometimes it is not that you want to spend every moment with your significant other, it just becomes routine (guilty!). Holding onto or developing other hobbies and having/keeping separate friends can be a vital thing.
This is almost an extension of lesson 2.1. This goes farther to say that you also need hobbies to do on your own. You will still need to nurture the things you have in common- mutual hobbies and have mutual friends. Having things to do together is very important, but being able to spend time apart can strengthen a relationship.
Someone who truly loves or likes you will encourage your hobbies and friendships. They will not (or should not) be intimidated by this. Consequently, you should not be intimidated by it either. Being able to do things separately or wanting to do things alone does not mean you love that person any less and it does not mean they love you any less. It will make time together more meaningful and give more things to talk about when you are together.
These things can be as simple as going to the park to read a book for an hour or two a week or perhaps one of you likes to golf. Any creative, stress-relieving hobby that makes you happy will only strengthen your bond because you do not have to rely on the other person to be your mental punching bag. It gives you an extra release.
This will also ensure that there will never be any possible resenting going on later. No one wants to lose things that are important to them or to no longer be able to do things that they once enjoyed. This will also be helpful in the event that the relationship does end. You will not be stuck having to rediscover yourself.