A lot of people i know have that mental check list of standards for what they want in another individual. My advice after a break-up, particularly a bad one, is to throw out the old list and start again. This is the perfect time to reevaluate yourself and what you really want in another person.
It is tempting after a broken heart to make a list of 'must-haves' a mile long. If anything make a 'wish-list' a mile long and keep the 'must-haves' to the make or break vitals. For example- I could not be with someone who was a smoker. I have nothing against smoking for someone else but to be with me they cannot smoke. Another trait that is a 'must-have' is kindness. Not a pushover or a wimp, but someone who does not treat others rudely, unfairly, or just is a general asshole. No racism is allowed. Of course, they will also have to like my child.
Have your list of 'must-haves' but be realistic. Mr. and Mrs. Perfect do not exist. It will only lead to a lot of disappointment and possible resentment from people who cannot live up to the impossible standards. Think outside your normal type and look for a person that will treat you well, fits into your realistic 'must-haves', and (as a bonus) has as many of your wish list traits possible.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Lesson 15: Look Out for Yourself and Your Finances After a Divorce
I got a lot of advice during my divorce. Some people wanted me to drag him through the mud; others just wanted me to get what was fair and not be a pushover. Unfortunately, I fell into my usual routine of being too nice.
One of the most valuable things I learned was to look out for yourself. I literally gave him everything of value (minus some DVDs I had bought) trying to be the nice guy, hoping it would make him more reasonable, and hoping it would make him sign the papers without a fight. A person who was always selfish and mean most times is not going to be suddenly 'moved' by your acts of kindness. There were several days at a time that I did not even eat due to me having no money for food for myself because I was trying to save the too little child support I was getting for my daughter and bills. I should have listened to my countless friends and mother who insisted I see JAG for non-support of dependents.
I am by no means saying to be mean, but make sure you are not getting into a big financial hole by trying to placate the other. Do not be afraid to get what is truly owed to you. Do not give someone who was willing to make your life hell rewards. I will be kicking myself for years for not sticking up for myself and basically paying the abuser to sign the divorce papers. I do not wish that I had gotten everything or even been given a lot. I just wish that I had made sure that I would not continue to suffer for a long time after it is officially 'done'. I do not want anyone else to have to go through it, as well.
Sometimes it is in the best interest to just get out and settle quickly. Evaluate your best options. Just do not be a pushover.
One of the most valuable things I learned was to look out for yourself. I literally gave him everything of value (minus some DVDs I had bought) trying to be the nice guy, hoping it would make him more reasonable, and hoping it would make him sign the papers without a fight. A person who was always selfish and mean most times is not going to be suddenly 'moved' by your acts of kindness. There were several days at a time that I did not even eat due to me having no money for food for myself because I was trying to save the too little child support I was getting for my daughter and bills. I should have listened to my countless friends and mother who insisted I see JAG for non-support of dependents.
I am by no means saying to be mean, but make sure you are not getting into a big financial hole by trying to placate the other. Do not be afraid to get what is truly owed to you. Do not give someone who was willing to make your life hell rewards. I will be kicking myself for years for not sticking up for myself and basically paying the abuser to sign the divorce papers. I do not wish that I had gotten everything or even been given a lot. I just wish that I had made sure that I would not continue to suffer for a long time after it is officially 'done'. I do not want anyone else to have to go through it, as well.
Sometimes it is in the best interest to just get out and settle quickly. Evaluate your best options. Just do not be a pushover.
Lesson 14: Don't Let the Stress Affect Your Overall Health and Appearance
Stress can be a killer. The worse part is it is a slow and painful death. The best part is it can be stopped. Stress can come from all areas of life. There certainly is an over abundance of stressors around. When the main stressor is a relationship, that can be a big warning that something is very wrong.
Stress affects different people in different ways. Some people are better at dealing with stress. Some people can burn theirs off in constructive ways or use it to fuel themselves for something greater. Some will lash out and use their loved ones as literal or metaphorical punching bags. Some people will bury it deep inside for many reasons- fear, shame, or countless other reasons.
I am one of those people that bury their stress inside. When it came to my relationship it was for two reasons: 1) fear of the backlash and 2) it only seemed to get worse if I talked about it. I was having a tong of health problems at this time- hair falling out, losing weight uncontrollably, skin problems, blood pressure dropping suddenly, depression, symptoms mimicking hyperthyroidism, and heart palpitations. i had so many tests run to try and figure it all out. Finally my one of my aunts who is a nurse told me that they can be caused by stress hormones. Once I put it upon myself to control my stress better, I have been healing.
Your mind can be in denial about a lot of things. You can lie to yourself all you want, but your body will still scream the problems back at you. If you are in a relationship that is causing so much stress that it is affecting your health and well-being then get out or at least find help. Left unchecked it can only get worse.
Stress affects different people in different ways. Some people are better at dealing with stress. Some people can burn theirs off in constructive ways or use it to fuel themselves for something greater. Some will lash out and use their loved ones as literal or metaphorical punching bags. Some people will bury it deep inside for many reasons- fear, shame, or countless other reasons.
I am one of those people that bury their stress inside. When it came to my relationship it was for two reasons: 1) fear of the backlash and 2) it only seemed to get worse if I talked about it. I was having a tong of health problems at this time- hair falling out, losing weight uncontrollably, skin problems, blood pressure dropping suddenly, depression, symptoms mimicking hyperthyroidism, and heart palpitations. i had so many tests run to try and figure it all out. Finally my one of my aunts who is a nurse told me that they can be caused by stress hormones. Once I put it upon myself to control my stress better, I have been healing.
Your mind can be in denial about a lot of things. You can lie to yourself all you want, but your body will still scream the problems back at you. If you are in a relationship that is causing so much stress that it is affecting your health and well-being then get out or at least find help. Left unchecked it can only get worse.
Lesson 13: Do Not Let Them Affect Your Future Happiness
When things are going very badly it can be hard to imagine getting back to a place where you can be truly happy. This can be especially hard if you still see or feel the signs of whoever hurt you. Being able to get past the person holding you down will be key.
Some people have said that getting rid of all signs of your ex can help. Of course, this is not easy if you share important people, such as children, friends, coworkers, or stay in touch with their family members. Depending on the severity of the damage done, it can take a while to get to that place.
I am still dealing with this one. Whenever I look in the mirror, step on a scale, or try to balance my checkbook, I can see how the last traces of the abuse are still there. The fear that shoots through me whenever someone shows interest is another reminder. It is getting better though.
I will get over it and I will be happy again. I look at it like this: I gave over four years to being miserable, I deserve to have some happiness now. I am not going to waste anymore time on it.
I know I have to let go of that fear. "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." Yoda. (I had to throw in a Yoda quote.) Fear, hatred, and anger will keep you from being with happiness. These emotions will control you and keep you from enjoying anything. You owe it to yourself to not let the other person keep you down. Even if you had a normal breakup, you can be guilty of letting them keep you from enjoying life.
Some people have said that getting rid of all signs of your ex can help. Of course, this is not easy if you share important people, such as children, friends, coworkers, or stay in touch with their family members. Depending on the severity of the damage done, it can take a while to get to that place.
I am still dealing with this one. Whenever I look in the mirror, step on a scale, or try to balance my checkbook, I can see how the last traces of the abuse are still there. The fear that shoots through me whenever someone shows interest is another reminder. It is getting better though.
I will get over it and I will be happy again. I look at it like this: I gave over four years to being miserable, I deserve to have some happiness now. I am not going to waste anymore time on it.
I know I have to let go of that fear. "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." Yoda. (I had to throw in a Yoda quote.) Fear, hatred, and anger will keep you from being with happiness. These emotions will control you and keep you from enjoying anything. You owe it to yourself to not let the other person keep you down. Even if you had a normal breakup, you can be guilty of letting them keep you from enjoying life.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Lesson 12: Evolved or Changed
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? Barbra Streisand That could be for both men and women. We probably have all heard someone complain about a person they are involved with saying "they just aren't the same person anymore." They feel that this person has suddenly changed almost over night or maybe they have changed and the other person has stayed the same. There is a difference between someone evolving and someone changing.
I do not mean evolving like the genetic adaptation. I could write you a lesson on that, but I will spare you :). I use evolving and changing to distinguish between the slow or sudden alteration of a person's character, likes, dislikes, or behavior.
A person evolves when their traits or characteristics are slowly or subtly altered over a long period of time. It could be for the better or for the worse, but it happens so gradually the man way to even notice is to have not seen the person for many years. Usually this is just a person maturing or acquiring new tastes. They might still like those styles or things but they just dress or act differently. This is the equivalent to running into someone you went to school with but have not seen in five to ten years. Essentially they are the same person, just the outside may have changed or they have added new experiences into their life.
A changed person is someone who has almost just flipped their personality overnight. It might not be quite as sudden as that but it can seem to be. These are changes that leave people who see you every day to wonder what the hell is going on (but not in a bad way always). Sometimes a change can be a good thing, often it can be bad one. Usually this is triggered by an event or new person in their life. It can be a phase, or a permanent thing. In my experience, a sudden change can be one of two things: it is not so much a change as they are just showing who they really are, or they are putting on an act to impress someone.
Not every change or evolution is going to be a bad thing again. As long as the person is treating those around them and you with decency and respect, then go with it. Or, you could find a way to evolve together.
I do not mean evolving like the genetic adaptation. I could write you a lesson on that, but I will spare you :). I use evolving and changing to distinguish between the slow or sudden alteration of a person's character, likes, dislikes, or behavior.
A person evolves when their traits or characteristics are slowly or subtly altered over a long period of time. It could be for the better or for the worse, but it happens so gradually the man way to even notice is to have not seen the person for many years. Usually this is just a person maturing or acquiring new tastes. They might still like those styles or things but they just dress or act differently. This is the equivalent to running into someone you went to school with but have not seen in five to ten years. Essentially they are the same person, just the outside may have changed or they have added new experiences into their life.
A changed person is someone who has almost just flipped their personality overnight. It might not be quite as sudden as that but it can seem to be. These are changes that leave people who see you every day to wonder what the hell is going on (but not in a bad way always). Sometimes a change can be a good thing, often it can be bad one. Usually this is triggered by an event or new person in their life. It can be a phase, or a permanent thing. In my experience, a sudden change can be one of two things: it is not so much a change as they are just showing who they really are, or they are putting on an act to impress someone.
Not every change or evolution is going to be a bad thing again. As long as the person is treating those around them and you with decency and respect, then go with it. Or, you could find a way to evolve together.
Lesson 11.1: Do Not Expect Your Next to Live Up to Your Ex
This is the other side to the previous lesson. Sometimes people have an ex and for whatever reason it did not work out. Instead of hating that ex or being hurt by them, they have put them on a pedestal. They are constantly pining for them and thinking of the ways that it once was.
Now they expect every new love to do exactly the same things the others person did. No one wants to be punished for crimes they did not commit, but they also do not want to be constantly judged or feel like they cannot live up to that unusually high standard. Definitely do not make the mistake of saying "Well, so and so did this for me."
Remember that this new person in your life should be loved and judged based on who they are not on who another was. Do not make them feel inadequate. do not make them wonder why you are even with them. A love cannot grow if it is over-shadowed by the previous relationship.
Now they expect every new love to do exactly the same things the others person did. No one wants to be punished for crimes they did not commit, but they also do not want to be constantly judged or feel like they cannot live up to that unusually high standard. Definitely do not make the mistake of saying "Well, so and so did this for me."
Remember that this new person in your life should be loved and judged based on who they are not on who another was. Do not make them feel inadequate. do not make them wonder why you are even with them. A love cannot grow if it is over-shadowed by the previous relationship.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Lesson 11: Do Not Blame Your Next For the Faults of the Ex
One of the biggest mistakes anyone can make going into a new relationship is to believe that this new person will hurt you the same way as your old love. No one wants to be punished or mistreated for crimes they did not commit (in this case, crimes of the heart). This will dissolve a relationship much like an acid.
This is one of the reasons waiting to heal before dating again is so important. Bad things happen to people but you are not doing yourself or anyone else any favors by punishing the new love. It is one thing to be cautious, it is whole other thing to become an unjustified jerk- male or female.
Moving on and letting go of past pain is essential to maintaining a healthy present or future relationship. This past hurtful relationship does not have to be days, weeks, or months old. I have seen and experienced people punishing their new loves over things that had happened years ago. They never took the time to deal with the pain or problems. Just never forget the pain or problems because you do not want to repeat them. Get to a place that you can truly be with a new person without the excess baggage dragging the both of you down.
This punishment is not necessarily just anger. It can be extreme jealousy, mistrust, over-sensitivity, or even lack of attachment (possibly other things, too). Jealousy I have already touched on in Lesson 7. Mistrust will lead to anger or the other person resenting you or always feeling down. A relationship cannot survive without trust. Over-sensitivity can be bad because it can lead to them feeling that they should not say anything for fear of a bad reaction. Lack of attachment because you are trying to protect your heart from further harm will end up with them wondering why you do not love them or why you cannot show your love.
Take time to heal before you start a new life with someone- not just with marriage, but any new relationship. Emotional baggage is normal, but the amount and what you do with it is what is important. If you find yourself doing this to your new partner, address it and try to fix it before it destroys the both of you. That is the dirty trick of nature- being able to forget physical pain over emotional pain. Just do not let your past pain keep causing new pain. Besides, the best revenge is being happy :)
Cold Cold Heart by Norah Jones (this song basically describes my last relationship... it was a staple in my playlist)
I tried so hard, my dear, to show that you're my every dream
Yet you're afraid that each thing I do, Is just some evil scheme
A memory from your lonesome past, Keeps us so far apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind, And melt your cold cold heart
Another love before my time, Made your heart sad and blue
And so my heart is paying now, For things I didn't do
In anger unkind words are said, That make the tear drops start
Why can't I free your doubtful mind, And melt your cold cold heart
There was a time when I believed, That you belonged to me
But now I know your heart is shackled to a memory
The more I learn to care for you, The more we drift apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind, And melt your cold cold heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g35zS1tVO3o&feature=fvw
This is one of the reasons waiting to heal before dating again is so important. Bad things happen to people but you are not doing yourself or anyone else any favors by punishing the new love. It is one thing to be cautious, it is whole other thing to become an unjustified jerk- male or female.
Moving on and letting go of past pain is essential to maintaining a healthy present or future relationship. This past hurtful relationship does not have to be days, weeks, or months old. I have seen and experienced people punishing their new loves over things that had happened years ago. They never took the time to deal with the pain or problems. Just never forget the pain or problems because you do not want to repeat them. Get to a place that you can truly be with a new person without the excess baggage dragging the both of you down.
This punishment is not necessarily just anger. It can be extreme jealousy, mistrust, over-sensitivity, or even lack of attachment (possibly other things, too). Jealousy I have already touched on in Lesson 7. Mistrust will lead to anger or the other person resenting you or always feeling down. A relationship cannot survive without trust. Over-sensitivity can be bad because it can lead to them feeling that they should not say anything for fear of a bad reaction. Lack of attachment because you are trying to protect your heart from further harm will end up with them wondering why you do not love them or why you cannot show your love.
Take time to heal before you start a new life with someone- not just with marriage, but any new relationship. Emotional baggage is normal, but the amount and what you do with it is what is important. If you find yourself doing this to your new partner, address it and try to fix it before it destroys the both of you. That is the dirty trick of nature- being able to forget physical pain over emotional pain. Just do not let your past pain keep causing new pain. Besides, the best revenge is being happy :)
Cold Cold Heart by Norah Jones (this song basically describes my last relationship... it was a staple in my playlist)
I tried so hard, my dear, to show that you're my every dream
Yet you're afraid that each thing I do, Is just some evil scheme
A memory from your lonesome past, Keeps us so far apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind, And melt your cold cold heart
Another love before my time, Made your heart sad and blue
And so my heart is paying now, For things I didn't do
In anger unkind words are said, That make the tear drops start
Why can't I free your doubtful mind, And melt your cold cold heart
There was a time when I believed, That you belonged to me
But now I know your heart is shackled to a memory
The more I learn to care for you, The more we drift apart
Why can't I free your doubtful mind, And melt your cold cold heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g35zS1tVO3o&feature=fvw
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