A lot of people i know have that mental check list of standards for what they want in another individual. My advice after a break-up, particularly a bad one, is to throw out the old list and start again. This is the perfect time to reevaluate yourself and what you really want in another person.
It is tempting after a broken heart to make a list of 'must-haves' a mile long. If anything make a 'wish-list' a mile long and keep the 'must-haves' to the make or break vitals. For example- I could not be with someone who was a smoker. I have nothing against smoking for someone else but to be with me they cannot smoke. Another trait that is a 'must-have' is kindness. Not a pushover or a wimp, but someone who does not treat others rudely, unfairly, or just is a general asshole. No racism is allowed. Of course, they will also have to like my child.
Have your list of 'must-haves' but be realistic. Mr. and Mrs. Perfect do not exist. It will only lead to a lot of disappointment and possible resentment from people who cannot live up to the impossible standards. Think outside your normal type and look for a person that will treat you well, fits into your realistic 'must-haves', and (as a bonus) has as many of your wish list traits possible.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Lesson 15: Look Out for Yourself and Your Finances After a Divorce
I got a lot of advice during my divorce. Some people wanted me to drag him through the mud; others just wanted me to get what was fair and not be a pushover. Unfortunately, I fell into my usual routine of being too nice.
One of the most valuable things I learned was to look out for yourself. I literally gave him everything of value (minus some DVDs I had bought) trying to be the nice guy, hoping it would make him more reasonable, and hoping it would make him sign the papers without a fight. A person who was always selfish and mean most times is not going to be suddenly 'moved' by your acts of kindness. There were several days at a time that I did not even eat due to me having no money for food for myself because I was trying to save the too little child support I was getting for my daughter and bills. I should have listened to my countless friends and mother who insisted I see JAG for non-support of dependents.
I am by no means saying to be mean, but make sure you are not getting into a big financial hole by trying to placate the other. Do not be afraid to get what is truly owed to you. Do not give someone who was willing to make your life hell rewards. I will be kicking myself for years for not sticking up for myself and basically paying the abuser to sign the divorce papers. I do not wish that I had gotten everything or even been given a lot. I just wish that I had made sure that I would not continue to suffer for a long time after it is officially 'done'. I do not want anyone else to have to go through it, as well.
Sometimes it is in the best interest to just get out and settle quickly. Evaluate your best options. Just do not be a pushover.
One of the most valuable things I learned was to look out for yourself. I literally gave him everything of value (minus some DVDs I had bought) trying to be the nice guy, hoping it would make him more reasonable, and hoping it would make him sign the papers without a fight. A person who was always selfish and mean most times is not going to be suddenly 'moved' by your acts of kindness. There were several days at a time that I did not even eat due to me having no money for food for myself because I was trying to save the too little child support I was getting for my daughter and bills. I should have listened to my countless friends and mother who insisted I see JAG for non-support of dependents.
I am by no means saying to be mean, but make sure you are not getting into a big financial hole by trying to placate the other. Do not be afraid to get what is truly owed to you. Do not give someone who was willing to make your life hell rewards. I will be kicking myself for years for not sticking up for myself and basically paying the abuser to sign the divorce papers. I do not wish that I had gotten everything or even been given a lot. I just wish that I had made sure that I would not continue to suffer for a long time after it is officially 'done'. I do not want anyone else to have to go through it, as well.
Sometimes it is in the best interest to just get out and settle quickly. Evaluate your best options. Just do not be a pushover.
Lesson 14: Don't Let the Stress Affect Your Overall Health and Appearance
Stress can be a killer. The worse part is it is a slow and painful death. The best part is it can be stopped. Stress can come from all areas of life. There certainly is an over abundance of stressors around. When the main stressor is a relationship, that can be a big warning that something is very wrong.
Stress affects different people in different ways. Some people are better at dealing with stress. Some people can burn theirs off in constructive ways or use it to fuel themselves for something greater. Some will lash out and use their loved ones as literal or metaphorical punching bags. Some people will bury it deep inside for many reasons- fear, shame, or countless other reasons.
I am one of those people that bury their stress inside. When it came to my relationship it was for two reasons: 1) fear of the backlash and 2) it only seemed to get worse if I talked about it. I was having a tong of health problems at this time- hair falling out, losing weight uncontrollably, skin problems, blood pressure dropping suddenly, depression, symptoms mimicking hyperthyroidism, and heart palpitations. i had so many tests run to try and figure it all out. Finally my one of my aunts who is a nurse told me that they can be caused by stress hormones. Once I put it upon myself to control my stress better, I have been healing.
Your mind can be in denial about a lot of things. You can lie to yourself all you want, but your body will still scream the problems back at you. If you are in a relationship that is causing so much stress that it is affecting your health and well-being then get out or at least find help. Left unchecked it can only get worse.
Stress affects different people in different ways. Some people are better at dealing with stress. Some people can burn theirs off in constructive ways or use it to fuel themselves for something greater. Some will lash out and use their loved ones as literal or metaphorical punching bags. Some people will bury it deep inside for many reasons- fear, shame, or countless other reasons.
I am one of those people that bury their stress inside. When it came to my relationship it was for two reasons: 1) fear of the backlash and 2) it only seemed to get worse if I talked about it. I was having a tong of health problems at this time- hair falling out, losing weight uncontrollably, skin problems, blood pressure dropping suddenly, depression, symptoms mimicking hyperthyroidism, and heart palpitations. i had so many tests run to try and figure it all out. Finally my one of my aunts who is a nurse told me that they can be caused by stress hormones. Once I put it upon myself to control my stress better, I have been healing.
Your mind can be in denial about a lot of things. You can lie to yourself all you want, but your body will still scream the problems back at you. If you are in a relationship that is causing so much stress that it is affecting your health and well-being then get out or at least find help. Left unchecked it can only get worse.
Lesson 13: Do Not Let Them Affect Your Future Happiness
When things are going very badly it can be hard to imagine getting back to a place where you can be truly happy. This can be especially hard if you still see or feel the signs of whoever hurt you. Being able to get past the person holding you down will be key.
Some people have said that getting rid of all signs of your ex can help. Of course, this is not easy if you share important people, such as children, friends, coworkers, or stay in touch with their family members. Depending on the severity of the damage done, it can take a while to get to that place.
I am still dealing with this one. Whenever I look in the mirror, step on a scale, or try to balance my checkbook, I can see how the last traces of the abuse are still there. The fear that shoots through me whenever someone shows interest is another reminder. It is getting better though.
I will get over it and I will be happy again. I look at it like this: I gave over four years to being miserable, I deserve to have some happiness now. I am not going to waste anymore time on it.
I know I have to let go of that fear. "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." Yoda. (I had to throw in a Yoda quote.) Fear, hatred, and anger will keep you from being with happiness. These emotions will control you and keep you from enjoying anything. You owe it to yourself to not let the other person keep you down. Even if you had a normal breakup, you can be guilty of letting them keep you from enjoying life.
Some people have said that getting rid of all signs of your ex can help. Of course, this is not easy if you share important people, such as children, friends, coworkers, or stay in touch with their family members. Depending on the severity of the damage done, it can take a while to get to that place.
I am still dealing with this one. Whenever I look in the mirror, step on a scale, or try to balance my checkbook, I can see how the last traces of the abuse are still there. The fear that shoots through me whenever someone shows interest is another reminder. It is getting better though.
I will get over it and I will be happy again. I look at it like this: I gave over four years to being miserable, I deserve to have some happiness now. I am not going to waste anymore time on it.
I know I have to let go of that fear. "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." Yoda. (I had to throw in a Yoda quote.) Fear, hatred, and anger will keep you from being with happiness. These emotions will control you and keep you from enjoying anything. You owe it to yourself to not let the other person keep you down. Even if you had a normal breakup, you can be guilty of letting them keep you from enjoying life.
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